Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad?

Wolf, that is. (Sorry – Buffy reference for my sister, Laura, who is the subject of this post) I think we may have worked out some sort of deal in the aether or wherever it is we were before this life that she could have all the ballsiness that was intended for me. Because she has a lot and I have zero.

Laura is currently nine months pregnant and is holding down a job as a zookeeper. Recently, her OB asked her if things at work were alright and if there was anything that made her uncomfortable. I’m guessing that generally when the doctor asks her patients this the answer is something along the lines of “I wish I weren’t on my feet so much,” or “I’d appreciate longer breaks,” or some such. But my little sister’s answer was, “Well, I get a little nervous every time I go into the wolf enclosure because with the snow and ice and me being nine months pregnant I am not very steady on my feet. And the last time I fell while inside the enclosure, one of the wolves went into full on predator mode and tried to eat me. Luckily we had remembered to shut the gate, so all she could do was throw herself against the fence in a wild frenzy of thwarted carnivorous intent. But it could be bad if that happened again.” (Apparently wolves are programmed to exploit any perceived weakness, looking for the easiest prey. A clumsy pregnant omnivore with no claws? Chow time.) Cue my sister’s doctor falling over into a dead faint. 

Just kidding. Laura’s doctor wrote her a note excusing her from any further excursions into the wolf habitat “for fear of slipping, falling, death, and disembowelment.” (Or something along those lines, I’m a little hazy on the details.) Anyway, the point is that the note had to be written in the first place. I mean, really. When I’m nine months pregnant the scariest thing I do is eat chocolate right before bed (because hello – killer heartburn). 

It’s just horrifying enough to be funny. But maybe my sister is wrong. Maybe the wolves wouldn’t try to eat her. Maybe they would just cesarean the baby out with their teeth and then raise her as their own as payment for not eating my sister. Remus and Romulus style (catch up on your Roman myths if you don’t know what I’m talking about). And I have to say, if Laura couldn’t raise her baby herself, animal-lover that she is, having a pack of wolves do it for her truly might be her second choice.

Image  

My baby niece with her wolf-mother. I will send her raw meat and a new bone for her hair once a year on her birthday. 

Can’t wait to meet you next month, little wolf-girl! Laura, please stay out of the wolf cage. 

 

P.S. Wolves are hard to draw.

One response to “Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad?

  1. Laura

    Emily, perhaps before this life we traded ballsiness for the ability to write clever posts with adorable pictures. Anyway, perhaps in honor of your post, tonight after I put Ellie to bed she lay there howling like a wolf between calling out “Milo.” In case you care, the reason that there was a fence between me and the wolf last time I fell and no fence now is that this subspecies of wolf is crazy endangered and might be released into the wild some day, meaning we aren’t allowed to train them to go behind a fence when we clean and instead have to go in there with them and scare them off with rakes and shovels to teach them humans are bad. So really we are saving the wolves, one human fetus at a time.

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